just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
