the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
