Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
