Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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