As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
