shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
