This girl is more easily done than said...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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