dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
