I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
