Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
