direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
