That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize