also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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