dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
