Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
