we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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