You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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