Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I am available for nakedness
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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