toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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