Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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