It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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