Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
