Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
