We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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