Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize