Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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