Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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