I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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