Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
