So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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