So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
