i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize