i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
