I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
