The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
