I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You ruined the universe
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
