Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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