Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
