Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
