When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
