Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
