just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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