did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
