I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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