He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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