Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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