I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
