Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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