I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
