did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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