if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
