Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
third nipple confirmed
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
