Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
