also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
