I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
