Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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