my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
