Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
