We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
