I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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