Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
