who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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