hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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