Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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