"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
